Sub: Just a thought

Can you sell your unused NuvaRing on eBay?

Sub: So sad

I won’t see you all week.

Sub: My hair...

Is going through a bit of an awkward stage.

Sub: I will soon have the power

To see your underwear through your clothes. 

I can’t wait to have one less handicap. God knows I have enough.


<Regarding Maria's recent Lasik procedure>

Sub: Things I learned yesterday

1. There is something worse than having the hiccups for 8 hours straight: having your boob itch for 8 hours straight. Woke up this morning, and It was gone. But not after an entire day of unladylike clawing.
2. Two gallons of LSD is enough to make EVERY PERSON IN AMERICA trip balls. Thank you, History Channel.
3. Eating a burrito from Frontier at midnight is NOT a good idea. Technically this was a lesson I learned today. For the 158th time.
4. Glasses aren’t so bad. But they have only won the battle. They will not win the war!!!!!!!!!!

Sub: Today I feel...

with a side of

Ten songs at Baby Ketten Karaoke. Ugh. I’m such a dork. Anyway, I’m really glad you came, I had a blast making a complete ass of myself in front of you et al.  Next time we should do a fully choreographed number from Glee. That’s about as dorky as I felt last night. Anyway. Have a good day. If I don’t answer my phone, I’ve checked out. Bring toothpicks.

Silver lining: My hair looks fucking awesome today.


Love,
Maria

Sub:Feeling slightly better today.

I only had a pretzel at the fair last night. Tried to be a carnivore for a day and have a corn dog, but I just couldn’t do it. It’s the catholic jewish hippie guilt in me. I rode the dizzy dragon with parker, and spent the rest of the evening being “stuffed animal jacket soda holder”. Daniel made fun of the mini van when I got to work this morning. I told him henry rollins has ridden in that van. He told me I have tattoos so I can do what I want. I internally wiped the sweat off my brow and sighed with relief. Anyway. Good morning.

Love,
Maria

Sub: I am going to the state fair tonight.

Just in case you don’t recognize me in the morning, I’ve included a photo to help identify me.

Sub:Today I feel...

Sub: You have officially jinxed me

Ew.

Sub: In T minus 20 minutes

I find out if I’m a candidate for Lasik. Wish me luck.

Sub: Instead of writing radio scripts, I wrote this.

An Ode to my Tapeworm:

O tapeworm, my tapeworm.
You leave me with no rest.
You keep me unsatisfied,
My stomach a hunger-fest.

I can’t concentrate
With the growling in my gut.
All I can think of throughout the day
Is forcing you out my butt.

So hungry I could cry,
Of starvation I will die,
Please stop eating my food, tapeworm,
At least leave me one fucking fry.

Sub: Just made an appointment...

...at Coleman vision. Eep.

Sub: Yesterday...

...i should have showered.

Sub: Cupcakes in the kitchen

The bikini gods hate me.

Sub: Today I feel...

Sub: Maria's ad of the day

Sub: SWF

I bought new shoes last night. One step closer to becoming you...